Mop-Up Nitro 01.15.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
This is a bit outdated, but screw it...
Want to know why Bischoff has some MAJOR work ahead of him? Work that many wonder if he is even capable of undergoing? Want to know why in one, short sentence? Okay...
During the two weeks it was gone, did YOU miss WCW?
Yeah, me neither.
Somehow, I doubt Eric even has an INKLING of what lies ahead of him.
BUT... how much do you wanna bet that Jason Hervey is one of these "mysterious moneymen" that they are talking about? Just when you though it was safe to watch Nitro... DWAYNE IS BACK!!!!!!
Nitro (or: Oh Ric, just give it UP)
-WCW Logo... this thing has changed hands more than Russia, Rome, and Lara Flynn Boyle
-Sin was last night... and they have the footage to prove it... yet no shot of that "Hyatte Sign"... DAMN YOU, RYDER!!!! HIS INFLUENCE IS GROWING BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS!!!!!
-Through fate, bad luck, and the fact that the man has gotten by on his build for his whole career... Sid had no choice but to lie there like a lummox and wait for Animal to slug him. Completely unnecessary.
-Hudson, "THE ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL IS BACK!!!!!"
-Schiavone, "WHERE IN THE WORLD DID HE COME FROM???"
-Hyatte, "uhh... the backstage? We saw him lumber down the ramp, ya nitwit"
-Hyatte, (side note), "and judging from the look of him, Animal made a few dozen stops at Pizza Hut on his way TO the ring."
-Cut to EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE (DAMN... how did RAW NOT get a hold of it?) of Steiner and Animal be applauded and high fived backstage by ALL the heels... including Ric Flair (oh God, Ric... no)
-Wow... seeing Flair Hug Animal makes me yearn for the good ol' days... when FLAIR WAS THE MAN, THE ROAD WARRIORS SCARED THE PISS OUT OF EVERYBODY, TULLY SNUCK HIS ASS OUT OF EVERY MATCH, AND DUSTY FOUGHT FOR US ALL!!!!!!
-wow... yearning for the good ol' days makes me want to put a little Ozzy on the cassette deck and hear him make a plea for Nuclear disarment.
-"IF NONE OF US... BELIEVE IN WAAAAAR... THEN CAN YOU TELL ME WHAAAT THE WEAPONS FOOOOOR???" (you GO, Ozzy... you drunken old sot)
-wow... were there REALLY any good ol' days to yearn for? I'm starting to doubt it.
-Schiavone welcomed us to Nitro. Scott Hudson was with him. They are now a two man group. GOOD!!! THANK CHRIST!!! THIS IS ALL YOU NEED!!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR AN UNFUNNY COLOR GUY ACT LIKE THE "WHACKY COMIC RELIEF"... I PROVE THAT ON THE EDGE WEEK AFTER WEEK.
-Tony is somber... yes... t'is a sad day in WCW... ANOTHER change in leadership... how the F**K are they supposed to sell THIS takeover as the FINAL one? TONY KNOWS THAT THIS'LL FAIL... JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS DID!!
-Tony says that it all fell into place and became crystal clear. (I KNEW it... Jeb Bush rigged the Florida votes!! THERE IS A FRAUD WHO IS ABOUT TO MOVE INTO THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!! TAKE TO THE STREETS, CHILDREN!!!!! LET THE RIOTS BEGIN!!!!!)
-The bad news is... Goldberg lost... his career is... over. Tony squinted directly into the camera and warned, "We can hear you people applauding... KNOCK IT OFF!!!"
-Hudson moaned that Flair has turned TRAITOR!!!! We were ALL swerved!!! (AHA!! I knew there would be a day when SOMEONE there would fess up and admit that buying a WCW PPV is a sucker's bet!!!)
-Hudson, "Things are not well... in WCW." (well good morning to YOU, Mr. Van Winkle!)
-To make matters worse... Tony discussed the Sid Vicious "incident". Tony says that what we are about to see is not pretty, and if we have small children watching... send them out of the room right now. (then there would be NO Internet recappers watching!... HAW)
-What? Did Sid crap his tights again?
-Tony, "This is real life!!! There were no cameras watching" (heh... douchebag production staff)
-We see Sid jump off the top ropes and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! OH JEEZE EWW ACK ACK... OH MAN ALIVE... HOLY CRAP... ICK ICK ICK
-They show it again... and AGAIN... OH...ARGH... F-ME!!!
-That's worse than the day I stroked up too far and mashed my pee pee into her pelvis... damn thing nearly snapped in half. Broke her pelvis too... BOOYAAA!!!! Gramma couldn't sit up for 6 weeks afterwards!
-I couldn't even watch, man... that's sick stuff.
-DOES THIS MEAN SID GETS ANOTHER 9 MONTHS OFF??? JEEZUS, THAT LAZY BASTARD!!! You LIMP out there and HOBBLE through your matches, boy!!! (notthatanyonewillbeabletotellthedifference). This is WCW... you WRESTLE!!!
-A Funeral March (dirge?) plays. Lex Luger and Buff Bagwell step out in full suits and somber expressions. Finally, they are putting their careers to rest! A DECENT BURIAL FOR TWO CAREERS THAT TOOK MORE OUT OF THE SPORT THAN THEY EVER PUT IN!!! GOD BLESS BISCHOFF!!!!
-8 men in suits come out with a coffin. Hudson, "Paul Bearer's bringing out a coffin". (WHEN DID THEY SIGN HIM??? Wow... that dude's lost some WEIGHT!!!)
-Well, it took almost two years, but Nitro is FINALLY giving props to Owen. (WAY TO STEAL HEAT FROM THE WWF, BOYS!!!!)
-Oh... wait... a big picture of Goldberg on the "Fusientron" (trust me, by next month EVERYONE will call it that). Hmmph, for a second there, I thought they were finally burying WCW... I thought this was the last show. For a moment there... I was actually... happy.
-Ah... the funeral for Goldberg! If they had any BALLS, they would have gone the cremation route instead.
-Big Sign shown saying, "GOLDBERG WAS ROBBED!" Strange, I didn't even know he ran for President?
-Tony assured us that Goldberg was not dead. (he's a prick again)
-The casket was set in the middle of the ring. The fans chanted "GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG".
-Buff opened the casket head and weeped. Hudson picked THIS time to rant about how "Backyard wrestling is NONSENSE!" (My God... BRING BACK MADDEN!!!!)
-We see that in the coffin, there was a Spear, a Jackhammer, and a copy of Goldberg's book. I... I just don't see the symbolism here. I don't get it.
-I see Luger whisper to Buff, "be careful with that jackhammer... Liz wants it back in one piece" (aha... I always thought she was a high maintence chick!)
-Luger pulled a sobbing Buff away.
-FIRST IRONIC MOMENT OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM!!! An overacting, insincere Hudson started to bitch about Luger and Buff's overacting and insincerity!! (WCW IS BACK, PEOPLE!!!!)
-Luger got the mic and purposely stumbled about having a few thoughts. He began to eulogize Goldberg.
-Luger really stuttered through this... he couldn't get a single sentence out.
-Crowd started to boo. Luger encouraged them to "share their feelings... just like Bill would have wanted". Hudson, "Aw, you don't want me to share MY feelings!!" (err, Scott... isn't that why you're THERE???)
-WCW fan at ringside booed... held up a sign upside down.... booed some more... noticed that his sign was upside down... mulled it over a bit... then flipped it right side up. The camera cut away JUST as he flipped it correctly. THEY'RE BUSTING BALLS!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
-Luger... a well trained, well conditioned, physical specimen... began to sweat. Benoit hasn't dropped a single tear of persperation in 12 months... THAT'S conditioning.
-Buff got on the mic and mourned some more. "I can see Bill's face... but it's tough to see when it's six feet under!!" (heh... reminds me of the time I went down on a fat chick)
-Buff cried some more... they hugged.
-Luger invited MORE well wishers to come out and comment....
-Jeff Jarrett came out. (Tony, "Oh, NOT JEFF JARRETT!!!!") Jeff had his "Owen just dropped 90 feet and I STILL have to wrestle?" look on his face.
-On his way to the ring, he had a flashback and snapped, "Just SHUT UP, Debra!!"
-Jarrett entered the ring and laid a guitar on the casket. He took the mic and in a serious voice, said that he had something important to say. (Hudson, "That'll be a first!")
-Jarrett had one special memory of Goldberg... and no, it's not the fact that every time he walked by a Cross with Jesus on it, he started to giggle.
-No, Jarrett's one memory to Bill... after much faux sobbing... is that after all this time they';ve spent in WCW together... Bill never... ever beat the Chosen One... HE NEVER DID!!! (Hudson accused him of ducking GB. I don't remember GB ever challenging Jarrett)
-Jarrett broke out into a name calling rant that, of course, ended with "slapnuts". He high fived Luger and Bagwell.
-Luger grabbed the mic and brought out "the greatest WCW champion of all time!!" (WHAT??? NOT WHILE RON SIMMONS IS STILL IN THIS REALITY, BUDDY BOY!!!) Scott Steiner!
-Steiner comes out with his Bimbo, who is wearing a black veil. This chick is ugly... chubby... and completely devoid of any character. When people talk about WCW's unecessary female employs, they should mean HER!. FIRE HER ASS, ERIC!!! FIRE HER AND HIRE APRIL HUNTER!!!! OR JASMINE ST. CLAIR!!
-Steiner took the mic and first bragged about snapping Sid's leg. As if he had ANYTHING to do with it. (sorta like when I talk about chasing douchebags off the web)
-After a self-fellating usually resevered for for dopey recappers (Hi!)... Steiner took all the fun out of everything and cut the typical Steiner promo on Goldberg... topping it off by spitting into the casket. Tony, "WAIT... WHAT IS HE DOING??" Hudson, "OH, COME ONN!! DON'T SPIT ON THIS SHAM OF A COFFIN!!!!"
-Goldberg's music came on... the Announcers got into proper "hysteric" mode...
-Backstage, Dillenger knocked on Goldberg's dressing room door. (They haven't fired him yet?)
-Out comes Ric Flair and RW Animal. Both Announcers said, "D'OH!!"
-Tony, "THE MAN BEHIND EVERYTHING IS COMING TO THE RING!!!"...
-Fade out... someone shouts "CLEAR"... someone else says, "Thank youuu, thank youuuu" Then someone says, "So... Konan really did send young male hustlers to Eric in order to keep his job? Think he'll take my son too?" Then VERY quickly, someone whispered, "EARL... WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR!!!!" Someone else, presumably "Earl", hissed, "Oh SHIT!!!"... the sound faded.
-commercials
-"The Pretender 2001" bullies Nitro out of the Monday night timeslot next week. The more I see this "Jarod" dude, the more I'm convinced that the real plot here is how he "Pretends" to like women.
-That Miss Parker is a hottie
-Flair is in the ring. He gives us a "WHOOO"... then welcomes us to the "New WCW"... (HOW MANY GODDAM TIMES HAS SOMEONE ON NITRO UTTERED THAT SENTENCE???? 50?? 100???)
-It's can't be a NEW WCW every WEEK!!!! IT JUST CAN'T!!!
-Flair told a "fat man" that this means HIM too. (How did Madden sneak in?)
-Flair told everyone at home to sit down, throw away the channel changer (but Boston Public is so GOOOOOOD!!) because our world changes TONIGHT!!! (well, they have to do SOMETHING with all those damn t-shirts... a little masking tape and a magic marker and "April 10th, 2000" becomes "January 15th, 2001" just like that!)
-Flair declared that the "greatest collection of wrestlers assembled... in one ring... in one night" were before us. (*spittake* LUGER?!?!?!?!?!?!??? WHAT'S FLAIR BEEN SNORTING???)
-Flair... to ANOTHER "fat boy"... "You tell your wife I said that, too!!"
-you know... I have no idea where they are tonight. What town is this? HOW CAN I DO A DECENT RECAP WITHOUT RAGGING ON THE TOWN THEY'RE AT?????
-eh... f-it... I am fast learning that I am incapable of DOING a decent recap... town or no town.
-Flair has the "New Deal"... in one night... with a lot of backstage thought... with a lot of plotting, planning, and manipulatin'... Page and Nash lost the WCW titles.... one one night... our only "HERO"... (he is NOT MY HERO!!!! DAMMIT FLAIR!!! HE IS NOT MY HERO!!!! I HAVE NO HEROES!!!! I WORSHIP MYSELF!!!!)... our hero... goes down and goes AWAY!!!
-Flair called ANOTHER fan, "fat boy!!"... Jesus, Flair... think of something new.
-Flair announced that as of tonight... everyone in this group "runs the sport of wrestling" (Oh brother... this business feeds off itself unlike ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD!!!!)
-CAN WE... MAYBE... POSSIBLE STOP THE NWO/CORPORATION/MINISTRY/FACTION/WE'RE TAKING OVER/EITHER WITH US OR AGAINST US gimmick????? THE HORSE IS DEAD!!! STOP KICKING IT!!!
-and GET REAL, FLAIR!!!! YOU MAKE A RIDICULOUS HEEL NOW!!! Like we DON'T know that by year's end, Bischoff will do something to piss you off and make you walk away forever.
-Flair told the women to start getting read to leave their "fat husbands" (you know... the man has bitch tits now... he's one to talk!)... one wonders why the camera would focus on fat Midajah as he continued.
-Flair continued... evolving his promo into a full fledged 80's style spot... Animal began to weep... weep for days of yore.
-PROOF THAT FATHER TIME IS A HEARTLESS C-SUCKER: Note as Flair's high cheekbones become more accentuated the more he yells... Al Pacino's does that too... Al's had a face lift or two in his day... now put two and two together. Now go look in the mirror and mourn your lost youth.
-How long has Flair had that blood vessel on his temple? The one about to explode?
-Flair promised to spend the rest of the night interviewing "punks" backstage for group membership. Thoughtless bastard probably won't even CONSIDER his son, David!
-The cat's in the cradle with a silver spoon, Ric!!! Little boy blue and the man on the moon!!! LISTEN TO THE LYRICS, YOU MONSTER!!!!!
-am I crazy or is EVERY Dad a douchebag?
-Flair continued... F-me... this is ENDLESS...
-FINALLY... Kevin Nash came out. Hudson, "THANK GOD... SOMEBODY'S GONNA PUT A STOP TO THIS!!!"
-Nash stayed at the entrance... calmly put the mic to his mouth, and said, "You knowww (oy)"
-Think Big Sexy is still counting the days 'till his contract ends?
-Nash said, "Let me make one thing clear, Ric Flair..." Then took out some Windex and wiped down the nearest camera. (Hey.. that's the spirit!!)
-Nash is NOT on Flair's team! (The Outsiders are NOT just a "gimmick", you know)
-Flair adviced that this might work against Nash
-Nash wanted to cut to the chase... if Flair's the brains of this outfit, then Steiner must be the heart... so he's gonna leave "Big Sexy" back in Minneapolis and tonight, in "Fort Wayne, Indiana" (ahHA!!) the "Killer's here". (OJ'S IN INDIANA??? FOR GOD'S SAKES WHY????)
-Both men told each other to "shut up"... then Nash promised to go all "Buffy" on Steiner... then swore to kill Flair next.
-Flair questioned Nash's judgement while he is all alone up there?
-Nash said, "Who said, I was alone?" (yeah, not when he had the FANS ON HIS SIDE!!!! BIG SEXY IS A FACE, THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!! GOD BLESS KEVIN NASH!!! NASH IS OUR REAL HER...)
-Nash then whipped out a new t-shirt and told the audience to "order now, supplies are limited!" (DAMMIT!!! WE FELL FOR IT AGAIN!!!!!! DAMMITALLTOHELL!!!!)
-DDP came out to join Nash... Nash said he wasn't done... he had one more guy with him... someone who Steiner knows quite well...
-Rick Steiner came out. Scott Steiner drooled all over himself. Don't you dare act surprised.
-Nash demanded a title shot against Steiner TONIGHT... Flair reminded him that HE was the Boss.
-Ernest Miller came out... with his bimbo (yeah, shitcan her ass too) and his hair freshly shorn (Uncle Eric likes his son's karate instructers shinier than a cucumber) and asked the fans to book the match. Thus, Austin will be fighting The Rock TONIGHT ON NITRO!!!!! WOW!!!!
-things wrapped up amid hysteria and screaming. Tony, "WE ARE JUST GETTING STARRRRRRTED!!!!!" (well, he's back)
-The longest single segment in Nitro history since the Hogan Birthday Blowjob-Fest finally wraps up... my God.
-spot for WCW Superbrawl "Revenge"... and YES... the phrase, "You Cannot Imagine" was used.... AGAIN... just like it's been used every single month... since August... that's right... it boggles the mind... you cannot IMAGINE how much it boggles the mind (whoa, irony!)
-commercials
-The second hour arrives (HOLY CRAP!!!) with Flair beginning his recruitment drive by talking to Crowbar. Crowbar says that where the Crowbar surfs, he surfs alone. Flair then asked, "Why the long face?" (I have no clue what to talk to this guy about... "Umm, hi Mr Bar... ever read the Mop-Up? No? Oh, okay.")
-Chavo Loco Guerrerocovo came out with his chooserweight belt. "Sin" footage does not begin to tell the tale of how great the match was last night. (eh...)
-Hudson and Tony stumble over each other... awkwardsly pause... than Hudson reminds us that the next Nitro will be on a Tuesday. For their sakes, "Buffy" better be a rerun.
-Yo Yo Bar comes out with the screaming chick... she wastes little time in earning her paycheck.
-Chavo chops Crowbar across the chest... Crowbar WAAAAY oversells. Well, I have my first question.
-Crowbar's jeans are all torn... dude thinks he's Billy Squier. Looks like I have question #2!
-Big sign in the front row... "WHERE IS JR!" (best guess... either looking over his RAW notes or sitting in his mistresses' bed, thinking up new ways to F-with that little moron, Cliff Barnes)
-Chavo patiently waited for CB to wander back towards the ring before diving at him from the top rope outside... too bad CB was clearly watching Chavo up there the whole time.
-CB with a pretty nice... move... a move that Tony first described as a "Fireman's Carry Slam"... then Hudson, with a BIT too much snottiness, called a "Death Valley Driver"... then Tony attacked Hudson with his pencil.
-Hudson said, "You GOTTA catch the replay of SIN!!" (we don't "gotta" catch anything, Mr. Man!!"... unlessyouwanttoseethatwaycoolHyatterulessign)
-CB went for the top rope hurracarana... Chavo hung on and CB went down. Hudson criticized CB for his "Cruiserweight inexperience"
-Chavo went for the top rope DDT... CB blocked it. Hudson called Chavo a "stupid, filthy Mexican" (hey!!!!)
-Crowbar crept to the top rope... thought it over... jumped down... grabbed a chair... contorted his face... and "reverted to his Hardcore Legend, manaical, old self" (N-Word PLEASE!! He was a 70's Guy longer than he was a Hardcore monkey."
-CB set the chair on the ring apron... no doubt plotting to sit and watch the rest of this match! No dummy, he... you can get hurt in there!
-Chavo launched himself over the top ropes and crashed into the back of CB's head as it was bent over the chair... thus his face went right into the chair under Chvo's weight... lousy recap, great spot.
-Chavo won easily after that... time must have been fleeting, because they RUSHED off to some...
-commercials
-Bam Bam Bigelow joins the Flair Outfit... under the condition that he will get to kick some serious "butt". And you wonder why LT doesn't return his phone calls? That made no sense, did it?
-for $20 plus tax... you too can get Jeff Jarrett's t-shirt. Yes, YOU.
-2Cuont (damn this dyslexia) is out. Sin footage explains there whereabouts this past Sunday.
-Los Animales Muerto Ho De TE andthejewishguy come out AND GET RIGHT TO WORK AGAINST THEIR SWORN ENEMIES!!!!
-Who's the heel here?
-Kidman won for his team after pinning one of the Cuonts (DAMMIT *snicker*) I would spend more time on it... but I am still morally protesting this silly ass horns on Rey Rey's head.
-Mike Awesome ran out... Kidman launched himself on him. Storm and Prime Time were out. A brawl developed. Mexicans vs Canadians on American soil. WELCOME TO THE ERA OF DUBYA!!!!!
-WCW Security broke it up and chased the Canucks away. Rey was seen with one of his horns missing... (I hope it's lodged up his cornhole!!)
-K-Douche got on the stick and... oh... wait... it was Storm. Storm had a mic and challenged Kidman to fight Storm later tonight... in a hair vs hair match! (Aw... and they were like... SO close to re-running the "Mullet" gimmick!)
-Kidman cheerfully accepted.
-commercials. Or, for you New Yorkers out there... "commoishuls"
-Kronik were with Ernest Miller. They asked Miller for a tag team title shot tonight after helping him beat up the white boy last Sunday... (on MLK day t'boot... *sigh*)
-elsewhere, Team Canada managed to get Kidman alone and gave him a pounding.
-subplots galore as Flair talks Chavo Jr into joining his crew. Flair also reminisces about all the Tequila and Senoritas he and Chavo's Papa had. (Hmm... come to think of it... Eddie DOES have a small lump on his back that seems to grow each week!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!)
-Chavo takes off. Ric tells him to go hunt down a Nitro girl for a little poonage (Hey Chavo, I hear Spice takes it in the tushy!)
-Exit Chavo, enter Sanders. Sanders starts to kiss Flair's ass. Flair accepts the brown nosing, and states that he will make Sanders the next "dirtiest player in the game"... far away, we hear a series of soft thuds... I hear it was David, banging his head against a wall.
-MORE subplots... Buff and Luger try to recruit Hugh Morrus. Morrus says nothing. Buff and Luger loved his stunned look and take off. Morrus mouths silently, "Wasn't I getting pushed to the moon, last Century?"
-commercials
-Kronic 2000 came out, ready to deal pain to any bitch that forgot about Dre... (all gibberish)
-Palumbo and O'Hare came out with their freshly won tag belts. Where is Jindrak?
-Tony reminds us that there WILL be no Nitro next Monday... instead, we'll get a brand new "Pretender" movie (uhh, there's a reason it was cancelled... because nobody WANTED new episodes!!!)
-Adams squared off against Palumbo. Palumbo has yet to stop sucking.
-They threw Palumbo outside... Clark ran, jumped, and HEADROLLED into the kid. F-ing AWESOME move!!!
-O'Hare was tagged in and jumped over the ropes casually. Hudson noted that RAW was beginning and said "Good Night" (HAW!!!! NEVER FAILS TO AMUSE ME!!!)
-Where is Jindrak?
-Adams went down to a beauty of a mule kick... or heel kick... depending on which announcer you listen to.
-Adams caught O'hare in a full nelson... TIGHT close-up of O'Hare's face... alas, he did not smile and quickly shake his head side to side... THE OPENING THEME LIED TO US!!!!
-Where WAS the opening theme?
-Where is Jindrak?
-O'Hare was tuned up some.
-Palumbo was tagged in. *yawn*
-Things moved ahead... it looked like the big wrap up as Palumbo was tossed out and O'Hare took a nasty "High Times" (?? right?). Palumbo broke it up.
-Jindrak and Stasiak came out and distracted Kronik (am I missing something here?). They went to work on Clark on the outside.
-Adams hoisted Palumbo up for a superplex... O'Hare, meanwhile, perched up on another corner and waited... Adams dropped the Superplex... as he lied there...
-The cameras... those goddam GENIUSES AT THE CONTROL BOOTH... decided to cut to more outside action... O'Hare's big Senton Bomb was COMPLETELY missed!! HOW MANY GODDAM WEEKS ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE SUCH COLOSSAL F-UPS LIKE THIS??? IT'S BEEN LIKE... 140 WEEKS IN A ROW NOW!!! MORONS!!!
-NTB's with the win... slow motion tells us why... dumb asses.
-O'Hare is the future of wrestling. Palumbo is a douchebag.
-backstage, Kidman moans, "Why are you pushing it in so hard??" (heh... gotta love prison cherries). It's strongly indicated that he will not be allowed to work tonight. Miller shows up and makes the spot decision that Konan will work in Kidman's stead. (THE PUBES ARE ON THE LINE!!! AND THE CRABS THAT COME WITH IT!!!)
-commercials
-dissent rules and tempers flare between the NTB's. Sanders shows up and calms everyone down. My advice... get Jin and O back together, send Stasiak and Palumbo to Japan, and KEEP THE NTBS INTACT!!!!
-Tony knows full well just how easily we lived without Nitro for those two weeks, that's why tonight's main goal was to make sure we knew that Nitro was on TUESDAY next week.
-Konan came out with Tygress... Konan was wearing those new sunglasses that you put over your head and not around it. Words cannot describe how DOPEY he looks.
-FIRE TYGRESS TOO!!!! WHY NOT!!!
-Keep the Gunns broad... bring back Torrie Wilson... for chrissakes lose Miss Handcock... hire Jasmine... hire April Hunter and BOOM, ya got 4 jerkoffably hot babes. Easy money.
-AND FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY... NO MORE ELIZABETH!!!! AND ONLY BRING BACK KIMBERLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO LET HER CUT 20 MINUTE "KIMBERME" PROMOS!!!!
-Awesome came out. I STILL like the guy! I hope he kills Konan.
-Flair came on screen and said that Kidman will STILL get his head shaved of Konan loses... plus the pubes... and trim that asshair too, if you can.
-How do *I* know Konan has asshair? I'm just assuming all Mexicans do. I've been to Tijuana... y'know! Smuggled some Cuban cigars out of the country too. PFFFFTH
-COME ON MIKE!!! KILL THIS CLOWN FOR THE LITTLE CANUCK IN US ALL!!!
-Hey, I just don't like Konan... it's not a Mexican thing with me. I LOVE Eddie... and Chihuahuas... and Nachos... and Salma Hayak. And I LOVE screaming "HO DE TEY" at the top of my lungs in front of clueless Americans.
-They trade off chairshots... Awesome went for the running awesome bomb... Konan countered with an "X-Factor"... Awesome kicked out
-Konan went for a possible piledriver... Awesome muscled it into a spine buster.
-Awesome with the Leapfrog Splash... SAY GOODBYE TO THE COIF, BILLY BOY!!! THINK OF ALL THE MONEY YOU'LL SAVE ON BOTTLED WATER!!!!!!
-Konan kicked out. WHAT??? WHO HAS HE BEEN BLOWING???
-Awesome went for another Leapfrog... Konan SLOPPILY turned it into a Top Rope DDT. He could'a killed the big dummy.
-Konan pinned him. Crap.
-Konan produced a pair of scissors... and began to cut. As with ALL in-ring haircuts, it was awkward, unsatisfying, and time consuming. There hasn't been a decent in-ring haircut since the Von Erichs made Gary Hart a baldy. Team Canada ran out and broke things up.
-Alas poor Mullet Gimmick... we hardly knew ye.
-Chavo tried to make peace with Hugh Morrus... Morrus wasn't paying attention. I guess Bischoff just told him to re-learn how to giggle incessantly as he tries to suck up oxygen in the ring.
-commercials
-moments ago... jeezus people, just look up 3 marks.
-Backstage, Storm assures Awesome that it ain't over until the Canadian sings (uh oh... did Bischoff just sign Alanis?)
-The Cat came out. He got on the stick and told the crowd that he was the new Commissioner and with the people behind him, he can whup anybody! (Does that make him "People's Fighting Commissioner"? ARE THEY GONNA TRY THAT CRAP AGAIN????)
-Miller said that with him in charge (sort of), WCW will go "straight back to the top"! (many in the crowd were heard to scream, "YEAH RIGHT!!!"
-Miller felt like a fight... so told Flair to send anyone out.
-Okay, so they sent Bam Bam Bigelow out. They fight commenced.
-Miller won rather easily with his Finishing kick.. who's name escapes m... FELINER... the Feliner!
-Hand the bimbo her pink slip and bring in Heather Hunter!!!
-commercials
-Shane Douglas came out with his new US title and a microphone. I'm sorry, but I am terribly... well, to be frank... I'm no big fan of either Douglas or Morrus... so...
-Mic work
-Morrus
-Match
-Mr Chavo
-err... oh F-it... Chavo hit Morrus with a chain and Douglas won the match.
-commercials
-Morrus SCREAMED bloody hell into the cameras with barbs aimed directly at Chavo. Martini-With-A-Twist Tenay held the mic so that Morrus could freely run both hands through his hair to emphasize his rage and disgust. Where is Pollshock?
-Scott Steiner came out with Middlethesizeofasia (heh)
-we are shown that there was a bit MORE to the match on Sunday other than Sid's big leg snap
-Nash was backstage... casually strolling. Must have had his cortisone shot. (Austin laughs at those knees)
-commercials
-Nash stalked out. Hudson declared that Flair's best laid plans will be LAID TO WASTE!!!!
-Nash did NOT make any hand gesture or notation of Scott Hall... have they finally LEASHED THE REBEL?!?!?!?!
-Things kicked off with Nash laying some big thuds into Steiner, sending him to his knees. I WOULD mention that these thuds occurred in the ring corner... but I figured that you already knew this (it IS Nash, after all).
-MONSTER clothesline into the corner... followed by a big sidewalk slam AND an elbow smash. Tony declared him the new World champion.
-Steiner kicked out, and rolled out of the ring... or he was thrown... I was too busy writing about how Tony declared him the winner to see.
-Steiner took control and tried to pin Nash after a suplex.
-Steinerline... Kissed Elbow Drop
-Steiner with a big backbreaker.
-Steiner with a Surfboard.
-Nash rebounds with a big Sidewalk slam
-Both men staggered to their feet... Steiner threw a punch, Nash blocked it and hammered in a forearm, or two, or maybe three.
-Nash dunked Steiner's head into the corner.
-Big Boot and off come the straps.
-ah well... Jarrett, Luger, Animal, Buff... they were all out. The bell rings.
-DDP and Rick Steiner ran out. But the show ended before the brawl could go down.
Heh... bullshwa screwjob non-ending... God bless Uncle Eric.
Why does Nitro win? Oh no, not because it was a bloody good show! Oh no, not because RAW was a snore... OH NO... not because I enjoyed the opening segment... NONE OF THAT...
What was missing? What did they NOT show?
Jimmy F-Ing Hart.
SOMEONE IS LISTENING TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Nitro RULES!!! I wish Bischoff luck and I am totally ready to give him a fair chance. It's time for a shakeup. It's time to make Vince sweat a bit. I LIKE it!
Closer time.... and it's a MONSTER
File this one under "Unfinished Business" (I would use italics, but for some reason, 411's server doesn't activate any bolds, italics, underlines, or Hyperlinks on these second pages). Before we get into a brand new year, please join me in sending off one, loose, fat thread of last year...
Mark Madden is no longer part of WCW. His firing sent minor shockwaves throughout the land, many critical of the fairness involved.
It seemed that Mark was fired for 1: Discussing Scott Hall when he was told not to and 2: Appearing on a radio show without the permission of WCW and talking negatively about WCW on said radio show.
Madden, in turn, cried foul and stated that he laid off Hall (fag) when he was told, and defied anyone to locate the radio show that he supposingly appeared on.
Popular opinion circulated that Madden was REALLY fired because he dissed DDP in front of everyone... and his constant on-air shots at Page irked page enough to use some of his pull and get Madden aced out of the company.
In general, the Net that once criticized Madden at every turn, deemed Madden's firing as unfair... and mostly said that WCW BENEFITTED from Madden's wit, incite, and enthusiasm and this case of politics and abuse of influence is just another sign of WCW's inner turmoil. "Madden was a SCAPEGOAT!", the Net cried! "ANOTHER GOOD MAN BITES THE DUST THANKS TO WHO IS IN WHO'S POCKET!!!!"
Bullshit.
The sad truth is... Madden was an average broadcaster who thought he was a star. His voice was never professional, and often times grating... his jokes were forced... and unfunny... he was desperate for heat and paranoid about some other announcer overshadowing him. He knew little, seemed unwilling to learn, and kept to his simple notion that he was the heel commentator and he will support all heels, logic be damned. He was not very well liked in the locker room, and he was no treat to look at on camera either. Mark Madden is a wrestling commentator for people who don't watch wrestling... which is why he's probably a fine Hockey color man.
But... maybe Mark had fans... so for them... I issue this...
"FAREWELL TO MADDEN"
-Thank you Mark, for stepping in on short notice for Bobby Heenan.
-Thank you Mark, for trying your best under uncomfortable circumstances and with little prep time.
-Thank you Mark, for proving that sometimes, you're best is not quite good enough.
-Thank you Mark, for ditching Samuda's site like a thief in the night for Ryder's place.
-Thank you Mark, for ditching Ryder's site for WCW.com.
-Thank you Mark, for once making the NWWWO feel relevant for a few minutes... it makes the sound stomping I gave that crew all the more satisfying.
-Thank you Mark, for your desperate attempts to enrage the Internet audience with pitiful tales about "living in a mansion".
-Thank you Mark, for quickly gaining back the weight Scherer claimed you lost, and bringing some new friends along with it.
-Thank you Mark, for imitating wrestlers gestures in a lazy attempt to rove that you know the business.
-Thank you Mark, for making us forget about Schiavone for a minute.
-Thank you Mark, for those ridiculous Hawaiian shirts and black sunglasses. Was that your "gimmick attire"?
-Thank you Mark, for swallowing every other sentence you've uttered.
-Thank you Mark, for eating in-between meals.
-Thank you Mark, for eating while you slept.
-Thank you Mark, for eating in-between in-between meals.
-Thank you Mark, for those sunken eyes and pallid skin. Have you EVER felt sunshine?
-Thank you Mark, for making us appreciate Lawler more and more.
-Thank you Mark, for making us mourn for a half-strength Heenan
-Thank you Mark, for being so paranoid about how well Jeremy Boreass might have performed that you had to interrupt his every thought and loudly speak over him every chance you had.
-Thank you Mark, for slowly forgetting that it was about the wrestlers.
-Thank you Mark, for those weak ass comebacks against a brilliant Hudson zinger. "Shut up!!"
-Thank you Mark, for agreeing to take your shirt off.
-Thank you Mark, for excusing every negative thing you've said about a WCW performer with "it was just a work."
-Thank you Mark, for proving that you have no idea what a woman's hand feels like.
-Thank you Mark, for "SPINEROONI"... you screamed it for almost a year... it never caught on.
-Thank you Mark, for never showing one shred of originality.
-Thank you Mark, for putting your hands across your belly in an effort to hide your girth.
-Thank you Mark, for making Jim Ross the SECOND creepiest looking announcer on TV.
-Thank you Mark, for pissing off Dallas Page... and thinking that you COULD GET AWAY WITH IT!!
-Thank you Mark, for showing what a true class act you are by walking away from a handshake truce offering. What a MAN you are.
-Thank you Mark, for thinking that YOU, and only YOU can get Shane Helmsley (Shannon Moore?) over by giving him the nickname "HB2K". Nice way to put impossible pressure on the kid, dickface!
-Thank you Mark, for having the audacity to think you could take a worker under your wing and elevate him.
-Thank you Mark, for giving Hudson the perfect foil. You were the fish in the bucket, buddy.
-Thank you Mark, for your MOTHER... because of her, I could have NEVER spoke about the "Dirty Sanchez", “Angry Dragon”, “The Shitty Titty Taco”, “Navel Jizz Rocket”, “The Purple Mushroom”,“The Divot”, “The New York Style Taco”, “The Beetle Clip”, and of course, the "SKULL F**K", and scores of others....
-Thank you Mark, for getting fired and allowing me to send off your Moms with...
THE CAVE!!! HEY MARK, I BLEW A LOAD IN YOUR MOMMY'S MOUTH THEN KICKED OUT HER TEETH!!! SHE LOOKED LIKE A CAVE, MARK!!! A CAVE!!! SHE LOVED IT!!!!!
HEY MARK!! I GOT YOUR MOM TO GET CLOSE AND ORALLY PERSONAL WITH MY STARFISH!!! TOO BAD I HAD DIARRHEA AT THE TIME!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD ME LAUGH AS THE BROWN GUNK RAN DOWN HER FACE AND CHEST!!!! IT'S WAS THE MUDLIDE,MARK... SHE LOOOOVED IT!!!
HEY MARK, I MADE YOU MOM BLOW ME IMMEDIATELY AFTER BUTTSEX!! SHE HAD A "HOT LUNCH" MARK!!! YOU NEVER HEARD HER SQUEEEEAL SO LOUD!!!
HEY MARK!!! I WAS DOING HER FROM BEHIND AND DECIDED TO GO IRON SHIEK ON HER ASS!!!! I GAVE HER THE "CAMEL CLUTCH", MARK!!! AND SHE DIDN'T TRY TO LIFT ME OUT OF IT!!! "THE CAMEL CLUTCH", YOU SONAFABITCH!!!!!!
-Yes, indeed... thank you for all that, Mark. For thinking that you were a part of the show, instead of a guide. You fat piece of jello. I hope you finally have that heart attack and drop dead.
You added nothing to the show... nothing.
You now say that wrestling was never intended to be your career... good. Stay quiet in Pittsburgh then, we'll forget about you very fast.
Bischoff basically said that you would not be welcomed back. Already, WCW is smartening up.
Have a good life, Mark... you'll probably have a swell career using wrestling catchphrases on your Hockey broadcasts. Easy work... stealing from others... quick cash.
You wasted our time and contributed nothing. THAT'S your legacy.
Farewell.
(note to self... talk to Dillard about booking Madden for the Edge)
Anyways, I'm out of here.
Say! This is the 150th Mop-Up!! There's 150 of them! Not bad for a guy with only 25 jokes in his arsenal.
I figure... if I keep up this pace, by the time I close up shop in June 2002... if I pace it just right... my last Mop-Up will be #200. It'll take lots of effort... exact timing... hard sweat... and TONS of weeks off. Wish me luck!
I leave you with this bit of trivia. GWB's Inauguration will break the record as the most expensive Presidential Inauguration in American History. Guess which Inauguration he'll be beating?
His Dad's.
It's gonna be a looong four years.
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